Big Feelings, Small Bodies: Teaching Children Emotional Regulation
Children experience emotions as intensely as adults do; sometimes even more so—but without the tools or vocabulary to manage them. From joyful excitement to overwhelming frustration, children often feel things in big, all-encompassing ways. Emotional regulation is the ability to understand and manage these feelings, and teaching this skill is one of the most powerful ways to support a child's wellbeing and development.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation refers to how individuals manage their emotions in different situations. For children, this means learning to pause before reacting, understanding what they feel, and choosing how to express those feelings in constructive ways. It doesn't mean suppressing emotions, but rather learning how to work through them.
This skill develops gradually, starting in early childhood and continuing into adolescence. It requires guidance, practice, and plenty of patience from caregivers.
Why It Matters
Children who can regulate their emotions are more likely to:
Form healthy relationships with peers and adults
Navigate challenges more effectively
Stay focused and succeed in school
Develop resilience and self-confidence
In contrast, children who struggle with emotional regulation might act out, withdraw socially, or experience frequent mood swings. These behaviours aren't signs of being "naughty" or "difficult"; they often indicate a need for more support and understanding.
Emotional Development Milestones
Just as children learn to walk and talk at different stages, emotional regulation develops over time:
Toddlers (1–3 years): Begin to express emotions openly but have limited ability to manage them. Tantrums are common.
Preschoolers (3–5 years): Start to understand feelings and may begin using simple strategies like deep breathing or seeking comfort.
Early Primary (6–8 years): Can identify more complex emotions and may start using self-talk or distraction to calm themselves.
Older Primary (9–12 years): Begin applying emotional regulation more independently and understand others' perspectives better.
Teaching Emotional Regulation: Key Strategies
Helping children learn to regulate their emotions involves ongoing support, modelling, and communication. Here are several effective approaches:
Name the Emotion
Helping children label their emotions gives them the language to understand what they’re feeling. Use simple statements like:
"You seem really frustrated right now."
"It looks like you’re feeling sad."
This normalises emotions and helps children feel seen and understood.
Stay Calm and Connected
Children learn from how adults manage their own emotions. By staying calm during a child’s emotional outburst, caregivers model regulation. Connection is key—a calm, empathetic presence can make a child feel safe even in moments of distress.
Create a Calm-Down Space
A designated quiet area with soft cushions, books, or calming items can help children self-soothe. This isn’t a punishment corner, but a safe place where they can go to regroup.
Teach Simple Coping Skills
Introduce basic strategies like:
Deep breathing ("smell the flower, blow out the candle")
Counting to ten
Squeezing a stress ball
Using words instead of actions to express frustration
Practise these skills regularly, not just when a child is upset.
Read Books About Emotions
Children's books that explore feelings can spark helpful conversations. Characters who navigate anger, fear, or sadness show that emotions are normal and manageable.
Praise Efforts, Not Just Outcomes
Reinforce emotional growth by recognising small successes:
"I saw how you took a deep breath before speaking. That was really mature."
"You did a great job calming yourself down."
Acknowledging effort builds confidence and encourages progress.
Set Consistent Routines
Predictable routines help children feel secure. When children know what to expect, they are better equipped to handle emotions. Include regular times for rest, play, meals, and transitions.
Talk About Feelings Daily
Make feelings a regular topic of conversation. Ask questions like:
"What made you happy today?"
"Was anything frustrating at school?"
These discussions build emotional literacy and show that all feelings are worth talking about.
Common Challenges and How to Navigate Them
Even with the best support, children will have emotional outbursts or struggles. Here are some typical challenges and suggestions for responding:
Tantrums: Stay nearby and calm. Once the child is settled, talk about what happened and how to handle it differently next time.
Shutting down: Gently encourage expression. Offer comfort and give the child space to talk when ready.
Aggression: Set clear limits ("We don't hit"), but also explore the emotion behind the action ("Were you feeling really angry?").
It's important to avoid shame and instead focus on understanding and guidance. Mistakes are opportunities for learning.
When Kids Need a Helping Hand
Professional mental health providers support children in handling big feelings by teaching them practical coping strategies, emotional awareness, and communication skills in a safe, understanding environment. Through tailored approaches like play therapy, cognitive tools, and family guidance, they help children recognise emotions and respond in healthier ways. These professionals also equip caregivers with effective techniques, ensuring consistent support at home and empowering children to build long-term emotional resilience.
The Role of Caregivers
Caregivers play a crucial role in teaching emotional regulation. This includes parents, grandparents, educators, and anyone who regularly interacts with children. Your own ability to stay regulated and responsive sets the tone for how children learn to manage their own feelings.
It’s okay not to have all the answers. What matters most is being present, patient, and committed to helping children grow. Repairing moments when you lose patience is also a powerful lesson in emotional responsibility.
Final Thoughts
Helping children regulate their emotions isn’t about eliminating big feelings; it’s about teaching them how to navigate those feelings with confidence and support. With patience, empathy, and everyday guidance, individuals can equip children with the skills they need to manage strong emotions, build self-awareness, and connect meaningfully with others.
Every emotional moment is a chance to guide a child toward resilience, understanding, and lifelong emotional wellbeing.